I’ve heard my cousins in Ireland say, “I’ve taken the pledge,” as they sipped Sprite in the corner of a pub. I love to say this teetotaler refrain as it’s theatrical and an easy excuse to practice the accent.
This year, I wasn’t seeking “sobriety” as much as I was seeking clarity in my life. As someone who has always been hyper sensitive — a porous individual — this choice of abstaining was likely my most powerful in 2023.
I told my family and friends about this behavior shift. But, until now, I never really shared openly about it online. Why? One, I don’t think it’s healthy to over identity with any one habit. And two, I was still figuring out what I was getting out of the discipline of not drinking, save the obvious health benefits and the general merriment of not feeling like shit.
After a year of not drinking, I learned there are “esteemable acts,” small habits that compound over time and develop self-trust.
In conjunction to committing my life to embodiment and poetry, removing alcohol felt like the best way to feel connected in my life. I had the bad, modern habit of suppressing my emotions and trying to seem unbothered and stoic despite being born an emotional sponge (see: porous individual). As I explored PTSD recovery in the form of somatic therapy, acupuncture, dance, breath work, etc. it was inevitable that a substance designed to numb emotions was the very thing I was fated to release. And simply put, if I wanted to be an artist, in earnest, at a minimum, I had to be honest in all realms of my life.
In “Dry January,” I think it’s important for the sober curious to not only release the stigma around whether or not they choose to drink, but also release the purity politics surrounding alcohol. Not drinking is just another choice on a spectrum of choices.
Abstinence is not about perfection.
What I learned is that abstinence is not about perfection. Abstaining is really about setting boundaries for one’s self and sticking to them. And as with all mindfulness practices, it’s about cultivating intention and feeling empowered in your choices. To be disciplined is to be a disciple unto one’s self.
For example, am I going to say I “failed” when I had a glass of champagne in Paris? A half pint of Guinness with my family in Ireland? A glass of wine in Lisbon with my best friends? No. Those were rare choices I made across an entire year. It feels so good to have cultivated the self trust. Now, I do not sabotage my own intentions.
My choice with drinking has evolved and the sentence I share with myself is this — I’ve lost the desire of drinking and I don’t like its impact on my body and spirit.
But, cultivating self trust also asked for flexibility, resilience, and ultimately letting go of the tight grip I’ve had on myself.
This brings me to a second realization I’ve learned from not drinking —
There’s a mindfulness concept of being able to “set something down” to live lightly and move forward.
For example, on my 34th birthday, I was out dancing with my friends. In this case, I accepted a shot of Grey Goose. I took one sip, absolutely hated it, and set it down. The act of literally setting something down was not lost on me. In that small moment was freedom. I didn’t like it. I didn’t over think it. And I instantly listened to myself and moved on with no remorse.
We do not have to carry the burden of our hardships, bad habits, and heaviness with us at all times or everywhere we go. The power of setting something down can also apply to our choices. If we make a choice we don’t like, we can set it down, learn from it, and just move on. We do not have to berate ourselves and keep ourselves stuck for not being perfect. The moving on — giving yourself the freedom of change — is a gift.
I might’ve lived 33 years having never forgiven myself for the hiccups and mistakes of my life — rather, I kept this secret list stored away in my mind as fodder for self flagellation.
What dark narcissism made me so unique that I wasn’t worthy of the same mercy and compassion I extended to others? I am a human, not a failing saint.